Considering a Threesome? These are the Conversations you Need to Have Before, During, and After

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Threesomes are many people’s fantasy, but they aren’t all like the ones you see in porn. Here are the behind the scenes logistics should know that porn doesn’t show you to make sure your threesome runs smoothly.  

Statistic reports from Pornhub showed that there were 42 billion visits to Pornhub in 2019. There were 39 billion searches performed and of those searches, the term ‘threesome’ ranked 13th out of the 25 most searched for terms.

For couples, threesomes can be fun, stimulating, and adventurous. For others, threesomes can be intimidating, scary, and threatening. The worry of “does this mean I’m not good in bed when it is just the two of us?”,  “what if they like the third better?”, “what if I’m not as attractive or appealing after bringing in a third?” or “will they leave me for the third?” are all thoughts that might run through your mind. While the videos you might see on Pornhub excite you and your partner, they don’t always accurately portray the planning or emotions that go into having a threesome. What many don’t realize is that it is just as important to protect your emotional health, both as an individual and as a couple, as it is to sexually enjoy yourself.  

This article will help provide constructive discussion questions to have before, during, and after having a threesome to help guide you to having a positive and enjoyable experience. 

Before Threesome

Choosing a third:

  • Preferred gender?
  • Older, younger, or around the same age?
  • Can the person look like you or your partner?
    • For some, if the third looks too similar to you or your partner, it can cause an element of perceived threat. For others, it can increase sexual chemistry, thereby enhancing the experience and fantasy. 
  • Do you want someone who you have an emotional/intellectual connection to or someone who you find only attractive, keeping the emotions out? 
  • Do you find someone you feel comfortable with and already know or do you find someone who you know little about? 
  • How important is it that you both are attracted to this person?
  • Do you want to have a threesome in the city you live in or in another city? Do you want to have it at your home or at a hotel?
  • Are you only looking for a one-time threesome or having the third back multiple times? 

Questions for you, your partner, and your third. Discuss not only between you and your partner, but once a third is found, ask these same questions so that everyone is on the same page. 

  • What are your limits? Can you vaginally penetrate the third? Anal? Cunnilingus? 
  • What can your partner do with the third? Vaginal penetration?Anal penetration? Cunnilingus? 
  • Will sex toys be included in the experience? If so, which ones and who will they be used on?
  • What health and sanitary precautions do you want to take? Can your partner go down on the third and then kiss you or go down on you right after and vice versa? 
  • Condoms, dental dams, birth control?
  • Can you ejaculate in the third (anally or vaginally)? On the third’s body and/or face? In the third’s mouth? 
  • Afterward, how long do you want the third to stay around for? Do you want to cuddle after and process together or do you want the third to leave and process your experience as a couple?

During Threesome

Checking-in with your partner and your third is essential in ensuring everyone is feeling comfortable, safe, and enjoying themselves. This also is an important step in protecting your emotional health and the emotional health of your relationship. It’s perfectly acceptable to pause and check-in as many times as you want.

Before bringing in the third, consider discussing a phrase or word that you and your partner can use to signal that you are uncomfortable and want the third to leave. If you are uncomfortable during the threesome, never feel like you have to continue even if your partner is enjoying themselves. The experience is meant to fulfill both of your fantasies, not just one. Questions to ask:

  • Are you ok?
  • Are you comfortable? 
  • Are you enjoying yourself?
  • Is there anything that you would not like to do?
  • Is there anything you want to try?

After Threesome

Processing after having a threesome is crucial in your emotional health as a couple. This is the time to discuss your experiences, what you liked and didn’t like, and reaffirm your commitment to one another. Discussion points:

  • Did you enjoy that experience?
  • What did you like?
  • What did you not like?
  • What did you like that you didn’t expect to enjoy as much as you thought? 
  • What emotion are you feeling right now?
  • What moments did you find yourself uncomfortable?
  • When did you find yourself most comfortable?
  • What did you find most stimulating?
  • Is there anything we should try just the two of us?
  • Is there anything the third did that you want me to try with you? 
  • Is there anything you need right now to remind you of my commitment to you?

Remember, it is ok to change your mind, it is ok to ask the third to leave, it is ok to enjoy the experience, it is ok to sexually explore, it is ok to own your sexuality, your fantasies, and who you are. Threesomes can be successful and enjoyable when you properly prepare for them. Next time you and your partner are considering a threesome, be sure to reference these possible conversation questions.

Morgan Howard

Morgan Howard

Morgan is a corporate marketing and communications professional by day, but by night, she is a sex, travel, and fashion writer. Morgan hopes to attend graduate school where she can become a licensed Sexologist or sex educator helping others discover and own their sexuality. Follow Morgan on Instagram to learn more about who she is both in and out of the bedroom. @kippshipp

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